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 Post subject: Post your jokes!
PostPosted: Sat Mar 24, 2007 5:44 am 
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Lets keep this a running thread! :)

This is my absolute favourite joke ever, as told time and time again over the good ol' Ventrilo:

A bloke decides to have a party where his guests are asked to come as different emotions e.g. fear etc On the night of the party, the first guest arrives and the host opens the door to see a bloke covered in green paint with the letters N and V painted on his chest. He says to this bloke, "Wow, great outfit, what emotion have you come as?" And the bloke says," I'm green with NV".

The host replies: "Brilliant, come on in and have a drink."

A few minutes later the next guest arrives and the host opens the door to see a woman covered in a pink body stocking with a feather boa wrapped around her most intimate parts. He says to this woman "Wow, great outfit, what emotion have you come as?" She replies, "I'm tickled pink."

The host says, "I love it, come on in and join the party."

A couple of minutes later the doorbell goes for the third time, and the host opens the door to see two Irish blokes, Paddy and Mick, standing stark naked, one with his knob in a bowl of custard, and the other with his knob stuck in a pear. The host is really shocked and says, "Well, what the hell are you both doing? You could get arrested standing like that out there in the street like that. Anyhow what emotion is this supposed to be?!?!"

Paddy replies, "Well, Oim fokn discustard, and Mick here has just come in despair!!"

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PostPosted: Sat Mar 24, 2007 4:59 pm 
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Forty Reasons Why Dogs Are Better Than Women

1. Dogs don’t cry.
2. Dogs love it when your friends come over.
3. Dogs don’t care if you use their shampoo.
4. Dogs think you sing great.
5. A Dogs time in the bathroom is confined to a quick drink.
6. Dogs don’t expect you to call when you are late.
7. The later you are the happier your Dog is to see you.
8. Dogs will forgive you for playing with other dogs.
9. Dogs don’t notice when you call them by another dogs name.
10. Dogs are excited by rough play.
11. Dogs don’t mind if you give their offspring away.
12. Dogs understand that farts are funny.
13. Dogs can really appreciate body hair.
14. Even fat, ugly guys can get a beautiful, loving dog.
15. If a dog is gorgeous, other dogs don’t hate it.
16. Female dogs don’t mind if you call them the "B----" word.
17. Dogs don’t shop.
18. Dogs like it when you leave lots of things on the floor.
19. A Dogs disposition stays the same all month long.
20. Dogs never need to examine the relationship.
21. A Dog’s parents never visit.
22. Dogs love long car trips.
23. Dogs understand that instincts are better than asking for directions.
24. When a Dog gets old and snaps at you incessantly you can shoot it.
25. Dogs like beer.
26. Dogs don’t hate their bodies.
27. No dog ever put on a hundred pounds after reaching adulthood.
28. Dogs never criticize.
29. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.
30. Dogs never expect gifts.
31. Dogs don’t worry about germs.
32. Dogs don’t worry about every other dog you’ve had.
33. Dogs don’t let magazine articles guide their lives.
34. You never have to wait on a dog, they are ready to go 24 hours a day.
35. Dogs have no use flowers, candy, cards or jewelry.
36. Dogs never borrow your shirts.
37. Dogs enjoy heavy petting in public.
38. Dogs find you amusing when you’re drunk.
39. Dogs don’t talk, therefore can’t talk back.
40. Dogs seldom outlive you.

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PostPosted: Sat Mar 24, 2007 9:51 pm 
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A little rabbit is happily running through the forest when he stumbles upon a giraffe rolling a joint. The rabbit looks at her and says, "Giraffe my friend, why do you do this? Come with me running through the forest, you'll see, you'll feel so much better!" The giraffe looks at him, looks at the joint, tosses it and goes off running with the rabbit.

Then they come across an elephant doing coke, so the rabbit again says, "Elephant my friend, why do you do this? Think about your health. Come running with us through the pretty forest, you'll see, you'll feel so good!" The elephant looks at them, looks at his razor, mirror and all, then tosses them and starts running with the rabbit and giraffe.

The three animals then come across a lion about to shoot up... "Lion my friend, why do you do this? Think about your health! Come running with us through the sunny forest, you will feel so good!" The lion looks at him, puts down his needle, and starts to beat the shit out of the little rabbit. As the giraffe and elephant watch in horror, they look at him and ask, "Lion, why did you do this? He was merely trying to help us all!" The lion answers, "That little fucker makes me run around the forest like an idiot for hours every time he's on ecstasy!"

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PostPosted: Sat Mar 24, 2007 11:43 pm 
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Think fast!

Am man walks up to a clerk in the grocery store and says, "I would like a half a head of lettuce".
The clerk stops what he was doing and says, "Sure no problem".
He picks up a full head of lettuce and walks back to the butcher, hands him the lettuce and says, "Some dumb fuck wants a half a head of lettuce", looking over his shoulder and suddenly noticing the customer standing there he says, "And this gentleman would like the other half".

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PostPosted: Sat Apr 07, 2007 7:03 pm 
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Girls night out

Two women friends had gone out for a Girls Night Out, and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails. Incredibly drunk and walking home they suddenly realized they both needed to pee. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone or something. The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her panties, used them and threw them away. Her friend however was wearing an expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers, but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and proceeded to wipe herself with it. After finishing, they made their way home.

The next day the first woman's husband phones the other husband and said, "These damn girls nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties." "That's nothing," said the other. "Mine came back with a sympathy card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said, 'From all of us at the Fire Station, We'll never forget you!'

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